What to Say to the Person in Mourning

When you aren’t sure what to say or do to support a person in mourning , it’s natural to feel awkward and uncomfortable. It’s not that you don’t care or don’t want to be helpful — it’s just that you feel completely helpless in the face of loss, and so does the person you want to help.

You cannot take the mourner’s pain away, and you cannot answer the question, “Why?” You cannot bring back the person who died or restore the health of the person who is dying, and your friend cannot make you feel better by seeming to be helped. This is especially difficult if you’ve never been around people in mourning before, or if you’ve had no prior experience with deep grief in your own life.

Another person’s death may remind you of your own past losses, or of those that you also must face one day. It’s hard to confront the fact that at some point death will take your own loved ones, too, and that eventually you also will die. Feeling awkward and uncomfortable in the face of such realities is understandable.

Helping another in grief requires time, patience, perseverance, flexibility, optimism, understanding, warmth, and compassion. If you think you do not qualify, consider this: You are only human, and those who are struggling in grief need someone who can identify with them, someone who won’t judge them, someone as human as they are.

In the aftermath of the death of a loved one, especially in the beginning, mourners are very susceptible to disappointments, and quite vulnerable to others’ insensitivity. They need emotional support to help alleviate suffering, and help to be in the world in new and different ways.

Words of Comfort – These are words and phrases that offer comfort and support to the bereaved:

- I’m sorry.
- I care.
- I love you.
- You are so important to me.
- I want you to know I’m thinking of you.
- I’m here for you, and I will continue to be here for you.
- I wish you comfort, and I hope to be among those you find comforting in the weeks and months ahead.
- I’m praying for you.
- I want to help.
- I’m glad you feel like you can talk to me about __________’s death. I’m here for you and ready to listen whenever you’d like.
- I want to know what happened. Tell me about it.
- I know what I went through when my __________ was dying and it is very painful. What is it like for you?
- I understand your need to cry, and I’m okay with it. You can cry in my presence whenever you need to.
- It’s okay to feel the way you do.
- Of course you’re angry. I’d feel the same way, too.
- It’s good to let those tears out.
- I want you to know I loved and miss __________, but I know my missing can’t compare with yours. Tell me what it’s like for you.
- I’d like to stay in touch with you; here is my telephone number/e-mail address.
- I understand and respect your need for privacy as you grieve. If you need to be alone, please say so.
- If you need me, I’m ready to receive a phone call from you anytime, day or night.
- I’d like to bring in a meal for you and your family. Would Monday or Tuesday this week work for you?
- I’d like to lend a hand with some of your yard work. How about one day next weekend?
- I’ll be glad to take your kids to the park this Saturday morning.
- I’d like to spend an afternoon or evening in your home so you can get away from your caregiving responsibilities for a little while. What’s a good time?
- I know _________ died six months ago today, and I am thinking of you.
- How are you surviving?
- How has life been different for you since _________ died?
- What do you miss the most?
- When is the worst time for you?
- What do you do with your sadness?
- What helps you during such a difficult time?
- What memories are most special? Most difficult?
- What gift of the heart from this person will you always keep?
- What dates will be most significant for you this year?
- What are some next steps for you now?
- What beliefs or fears are you struggling with?
- I believe that one day you will see the light of day again.
- You may not have any hope right now, but I will hold it for you until you’re ready to hold it again on your own.

Words to Avoid: These are overly simple, empty phrases that minimize the mourner’s feelings, diminish the importance of the one who died, and take away the person’s right to mourn:

- Give it time.
- Keep busy.
- Count your blessings.
- You must be strong now.
- At least she didn’t suffer/ he is not in pain anymore.
- It’s time to put this behind you now, to move on, to let go.
- He lived a good, long life.
- Try not to think about it/dwell on it/talk about it.
- This will make you stronger.
- Be thankful you had her as long as you did.
- He wouldn’t want you to be so sad.
- Life is for the living.
- It was God’s will.
- Everything happens for a reason.
- God never gives you more than you can handle.
- She is in a better place now.
- This is a blessing.
- Now you have an angel in heaven.
- Time heals all wounds.
- I know exactly how you feel.
- You’re young; you can have more children / you can get married again.
- Be thankful you have another child/other children.
- Let me know if you need anything, if there’s anything I can do.
- You must not/should not feel that way.
- I’m sure you did all you could.

If a cherished pet is lost:

- It was only a dog/cat/bird.
- You shouldn’t be this upset over an animal.
- You didn’t react this way when your relative/friend/neighbor died!
- You’ll get over it in time.
- You can always get another.

To learn more about what is normal in grief, visit Marty Tousley’s Web site, www.griefhealing.com.