What to Do for the Person in Mourning

If you’re like many other good-hearted, well-meaning people, you may find it difficult to be there for someone who is mourning the death of a loved one. While there is plenty that you can do, you are only human, so be sure to do only what you can, and let it be enough. If you’re a member of a family in mourning, give yourself permission to not always be there for other family members.
Be good to yourself. Take a break if and when you need it, and seek some outside social and / or spiritual support, or personal grief counseling. Remember that the best way to take care of another’s grief is to take care of your own grief first.
If those left behind are to heal through grief, they must also mourn — that is, they need to express their grief (thoughts, feelings) outwardly. Over the weeks and months following the death, they must accept the harsh reality that someone loved has died and will never physically be present to the mourner again. Pushing away some of this reality at times is normal; mourners will embrace it in doses as they are ready. To allow all the pain in all at once is to be overwhelmed.

In general, mourners need someone who
• is present
• offers to be there in a helpful, loving, supportive, respectful, and non-judgmental way
• can actively demonstrate caring and concern
• will bear witness to the struggle
• is with, and will continue to be with, the mourner
• will honor the person’s unique journey through grief
• is sensitive to cultural, ethnic, religious, and family traditions
• helps to maintain the person’s physical health and emotional equilibrium

Suggestions I offer here stem from professional knowledge and skills, insights gained from personal experience with loss, and from all those many others who’ve faced losses of their own. If any of these ideas don’t fit with a particular culture or tradition, or if they don’t seem to suit you or those you’re wanting to help, then simply ignore them and go on to others.
First, learn about the grief experience, and let go of some of the harmful myths you may have heard about grief and healing. (See, for example, my article, Common Myths and Misconceptions about Grief.) Don’t assume that the person who seems to be experiencing little pain is “doing well” with grief. Take some time to review your own personal experiences of death and grief, recalling who died, what was helpful and not helpful to you, and how you felt about it.

As soon as you learn that a death has happened, here are some things that you can do:
• Acknowledge the loss. Either in person, by telephone or in writing, let the mourner know who you are, how you became aware of the loss, and that you care.
• Attend the funeral: Say goodbye to the deceased and demonstrate support for those most impacted by the death. If possible, attend the visitation, funeral, committal and gathering after.
• Let the mourner know if you found the ceremony especially meaningful.
• Assemble a funeral scrapbook for the family, which could include the obituary, funeral program, and room for cards, notes and other mementos.
• Arrange to have the ceremony video- or audio-taped; offer to review the recording with the mourner at a later time.
• Offer tangible symbols of support: a phone call, note, letter, dish of comfort food, flowers or a potted plant, a hope-filled book, or a photo frame.
• Send flowers, a potted plant, hanging basket, bulbs, tree seedling, or perennials to place or plant at the gravesite.
• Contact the mourner’s network of friends and family and help them choose a way to help (e.g., check on the mourner, fix a meal, walk the dog, cut the grass, rake the leaves, etc.).
• Fix and bring a meal; include non-alcoholic, non-caffeinated beverages.
• Initiate contact; invite the mourner to share what happened, with ample opportunity to tell you the story of the loss.
• Listen with your heart, with honest concern and curiosity, respectfully and without judging, without criticism, without giving advice, without being the expert with all the answers.
• Encourage, reflect, respond to and validate feelings, however they are expressed, and hold them in confidence.
• Be willing to listen to the same story, over and over again if needed, with mouth closed and ears open.
• Be fully and physically present: Allow sufficient time; listen attentively; don’t appear rushed; sit rather than stand; maintain eye contact and an attentive posture with your arms free and uncrossed; match the volume, tone and speed of your voice to the mourner’s; let the mourner steer the conversation; nod and affirm.
• Accept, permit, and be present in times of silence.
• Permit yourself to cry, too. Your tears mingled with your friend’s convey what words cannot.
• Understand the uniqueness of grief: Everyone is different, and is shaped by experiences in his or her own life.
• Be patient; the grief process takes a long time; let the mourner proceed at his or her own pace.
• Recognize that, although you cannot take the pain away, you can enter into it with your friend; you can remain available long after the death occurs, when the mourner will need you the most.

To learn what else you can do to help another in grief, visit Marty Tousley’s Web site, www.griefhealing.com.