Living with Loss

It is when denial falls away, when you begin to recognize and experience most intensely all the reactions to your loss, that the real work of mourning begins. In ways that are personal and unique to you alone, you will gradually integrate your loss into the framework of your life, as you slowly give up the reality that included the physical presence of your loved one, and learn to live with your loss.
The work of mourning can be done through private activities such as reading and writing, and with others through talking, participating in bereavement counseling or finding support in a group. It is an active rather than a passive process, not only of coming to terms with your loss, but also of finding meaning in it as well. Such work takes enormous energy. It is both emotionally and physically exhausting, and may well be the hardest work you’ll ever do, but it can also produce tremendous healing and growth.

Because grief is an intensely personal experience, your personal mourning style will be unique to you and your individual personality. You may find it helpful to return to activities of self-expression that satisfy or relax you, or discover new ones that bring you comfort and relief, such as walking, hiking, playing golf, fishing, meditating, writing or journaling; engaging in hobbies (carpentry, gardening, photography, collecting) or arts and crafts (painting, drawing, modeling, woodworking); listening to or making music; or simply talking and crying.
Writing is one of the oldest methods of self-exploration, self-expression and self-discovery. An ongoing workbook, diary or journal can be a trusted friend who’s available to listen to you at no cost, 24 hours a day, regardless of what mood you’re in. It accepts whatever you have to say, from the ordinary to the profound, and never chastises you for what you said. You might try using a three-ring or spiral notebook, rather than a bound journal so special that you’ll never want to write in it. Write as often as possible, but not as a chore. Once you get your pen moving, your thoughts will follow. You might begin with a meaningful quotation you found or a thought you want to remember.

Think about and identify the people, groups and activities in your life that form your personal network of support and help give meaning to your life. Consider asking a friend or family member to help you develop a more complete listing, especially if you don’t have the energy to do this by yourself. Write down each potential source of support, including their name, telephone number and address, so you’ll have them handy when you need them. People you can depend on might include family members, relatives, friends, neighbors, teachers, colleagues, clergy, your family physician, family lawyer, accountant, insurance agent and hospice bereavement staff. Groups might include your church community or your affiliation with work or special interest circles, clubs and organizations, and bereavement support groups. Activities could include whatever brings you satisfaction, relaxation, comfort or relief, such as meditating, writing or journaling; engaging in hobbies (gardening, photography, collecting) or arts and crafts (painting, drawing, modeling); listening to or making music; or simply talking and crying.

Unfortunately friends, family members and co-workers may not fully understand or appreciate the attachment you have with your loved one and the pain you may still be feeling weeks and months after the death. What is more, your need to talk about your loss may outlast the willingness of others to listen. So later in your mourning process, a Support Group may be one of the few places where you can come to be among others who understand, and where you can still talk about the one you have loved and lost. A bereavement support group provides a safe, structured place where normal, healthy people bound by the experience of loss can come together on a regular basis to share their stories, get their concerns and feelings validated, learn more about the mourning process, express and work through their feelings, and reflect with one another on the meaning of it all. Members have the opportunity to grow by giving help as well as receiving it.

If you have access to a computer with an Internet connection, you have at your fingertips a wealth of grief information, comfort and support. Using online chat rooms, discussion forums and message boards, you can even connect with and share your experiences with others whose losses are similar to your own. In addition to its “in-person” support groups, Hospice of the Valley also offers its own online Grief Healing Discussion Groups, at www.hovforum.ipbhost.com.

Selecting from over a dozen individual forums, mourners with similar losses can network, mourn together and support one another in their own safe, healing place. The service is available at no cost, at any hour of the day or night, seven days a week. It is safe and confidential; membership is free and simply requires registration with a unique user name and secret password of one’s own choosing. Forums are moderated by professional bereavement counselors, and individual messages are monitored for appropriateness.

Sometimes friends and family may worry too much about you, get too involved in your personal affairs, or not be available to you at all. When it seems that support from family and friends is either too much or not enough, a few sessions with a Bereavement Counselor may give you the understanding and comfort you need. Unlike friendship, a professional counseling relationship offers you the opportunity to relate to a caring, supportive individual who understands the grief process, doesn’t need you to depend upon, and will allow you to grieve without interference. Within the safety and confidentiality of a therapeutic relationship, you can share your intimate thoughts, make sense of what you’re feeling and clarify your reactions. Seeing a bereavement counselor is appropriate if:

• you feel uncomfortable with yourself or find yourself unable to function normally.
• you have reactions from which you can get no relief, or over which you feel no control.
• you wonder if your responses are normal, or if they’ve gone on too long.
• you have thoughts or feelings you feel guilty about or you’re reluctant to share with anyone else.

Seek professional help immediately if
• you feel no grief reaction at all after a major loss.
• you have a history of mental illness, drug or alcohol abuse.
• you have few sources of support.
• you see life as hopeless and are feeling suicidal.

To learn more about living with loss, visit Marty Tousley’s Web site, www.griefhealing.com.